Developing Healthy Boundaries

Getting taken advantage of… again.

If this sounds like you, you probably suffer the effects of unhealthy boundaries.

Doing things you don’t want to do (or even hurt you!) just to “make others happy”…

It’s a formula for long-term unhappiness… as you know well.

Developing healthy boundaries means knowing and enforcing your rights and needs.

They’re what protect and define you as a person.

Your boundaries act as filters permitting what is acceptable in your life and what is not.

There are always choices to make when someone is not respecting your values, boundaries, rights, and needs. You must let them be known and be ready to enforce them.

This might mean leaving the room… or leaving a relationship.

Ultimately, how you let others treat you is your responsibility.

Our boundaries flow from our values.

Many people believe that others should automatically know their boundaries, but that’s not always true (or possible!).

People have different values, beliefs, rights, and needs because people (and where they come from!) are, well… different!

In some families, curse words are used daily. In other homes, an “F-Bomb” is entirely disrespectful and insulting. If this is your household, letting someone use that word runs against your values, so…

If you don’t speak up and enforce your values, YOU are responsible for it happening again.

That’s why it’s so crucial to…

Know what your values are and have a strong sense of identity! Having healthy boundaries is impossible if you derive your sense of worth from others.

When we are unaware of our feelings and needs and feel responsible for others’ feelings and needs, we are in an enmeshed relationship. Our boundaries will likely be constantly disrespected.

Our boundaries don’t have to be rigid but must reflect who we are and remain strong in multiple contexts.

You can learn to say “yes,” “no,” or “not now.”

In therapy, you’ll learn to communicate your expectations, rights, and needs based on your values.

Let’s say one of your values is honesty. You need to tell those around you that honesty is an essential boundary for you.

You must be willing to tell them you expect honesty from them and will be honest in return. Your boundary protects your rights and needs in your relationships with others.

So, if you agree with your daughter not to use your credit card for anything over $100 without getting permission first, and she charges $200 for clothes on the card and doesn’t tell you, you must be willing to confront her. She is not respecting your boundary of honesty. She may be very apologetic, and it never happens again; problem solved. However, if it happens again, you may find your right to respect and need for trust have been shattered with her.

There should be consequences, and you must be willing to enforce your boundary, rights, and needs by telling her she is no longer allowed to charge on your card. Then firmly request she gives it back to you. If you don’t, you can only blame yourself for her betraying your value of honesty, right to respect, and need for trust.

Many believe their spouse’s and children’s needs are more important than their own.

They are frustrated and exhausted because they don’t know how to say “No” and take on all the chores and do for others in the family what they can do for themselves.

Because they have weak boundaries and lower self-esteem, their physical and mental health sometimes declines. They need to express that the values of responsibility and teamwork in their family are essential and expected.

They should explain to the family that everyone must be responsible for their chores and help because that’s what teamwork is. If they don’t, they let their right to good mental and physical health suffer, and their need to be respected becomes jeopardized.

If the problem continues, they must enforce the boundary and stop doing anything other family members can do for themselves, or it will continue.

I have helped many people improve the quality of their lives…

…by supporting them to own and enforce their values, boundaries, rights, and needs.

If you are ready to change your life, I can help you, too!

Please call me today at (818) 259-7650 for a free 20-minute consultation so you can ask questions and see if we are a good fit.